It’s been kind of dark days around here lately.
Snowed in. Below Zero Temperatures. Baby Teething. Not sleeping Well. Husband Very sick for a week or two (he’s better now, thank you for your prayers!) Frustration and Temptation with self-imposed diets. Loneliness.
It’s been a little dark.
I feel like I’ve lost direction in my homemaking, in my parenting, in my role as a wife. We’ve spent far too many days watching too many DVR-ed “Little Bear”s and not having the energy to plan activities for my toddler, or even barely go downstairs to run a load of laundry. I overreact with discipline because I under-react during other parts of the day when I ignore small transgressions and just want a moment of peace.
And I keep ignoring parts of my homemaking because that moment of peace keeps getting interrupted and I keep having to start over. Rescuing choking babies from eating the piece of paper their brother let fall to the floor, yelling at said older brother that he can’t keep taking toys away from the baby, trying to pick up the 54 game pieces that just got dumped on the floor before Baby swallows one while toddler runs off to make more mischief and more mess.
Trying to remember to cuddle and read a book to said toddler who obviously is craving ridiculous quantities of attention, good or bad, and trying to focus on that task knowing that my floors still need to be swept and there’s two loads of laundry in the basket waiting to be folded.
Oh, and this house. THIS HOUSE. Since we’ve moved in we’ve had three major water leaks, from the washing machine, the front porch (I have a nice two inch layer of ice outside of my front door as we speak. Awesome.) and now, my closet. And we’re not going to fix it until next week at the earliest because we want to make sure that it doesn’t leak again after this second storm that we’re experiencing, ummm, today. Which means that all of my clothes and shoes and everything out of my closet is strewn throughout my Master Bedroom and office. It’s a cluttered mess and it’s driving me nuts. I have no place of refuge in my home.
And then, I feel like, with this newest round of bills from T.’s appendectomy, that I’ve lost control of our finances. I think it was more expensive than me giving birth earlier this year. And of course they want to be paid, you know, yesterday. With everything that’s happened in the last year, bills have just kept increasing with no relief in sight and it’s such a weight on my shoulders. We’re stretched thin and I feel it with every move I make. My husband has a good job, but it’s a lot to catch up on and it’s hard to focus on the progress we’ve made because there is more to go and more added to it every day with every bill from the hospital we get. It’s discouraging.
So yeah. I’m having some dark days. I haven’t had the energy to try any new recipes or take pictures of crafts or do anything specifically related to the “fun” parts of this blog because I’ve just been holding on, trying to have a nice Christmas and nurse my husband back to health and spend time with my children.
I don’t know what the solution is. I don’t know if turning off the cable TV will help. I don’t know if waking up earlier to have time with God will help (especially since the teething baby is waking me up twice a night). I don’t know if limiting my screen and blogging time will help. I don’t know what the magic book is that I need to read and then be refocused and have renewed purpose.
I’ve been thinking about New Years’ resolutions and looking back over the ones I’ve written over the years. They don’t seem to change much. So instead, I started thinking about choosing a word for the year. A theme. A word to focus on as my goal for the year rather than any other specific goals.
The one that came immediately to me?
I need to pray for peace. I need to ask for peace. I need to seek peace. I need to consciously create peace. In my home, in my words, in my relationships, in my soul.
And then I need to accept it and let God be in control. I know this. But it is very difficult to do.
Please pray for me.
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Oh, Sarah, I'm sorry to hear you are having such trouble. You've had to be strong for your family for so long you haven't had time to take care of yourself.
It's supposed to clear off Friday. Could you arrange for your in-laws to come over sometime Saturday so momma can have some time off?
Maybe go walk a nature trail or wander around a park for a little bit? I find that the best way to come back to myself is just to be in nature for a little bit.
Get away from noise and demands on your time, just for a little bit. I promise it will help you heal.
Your realness and honesty = refreshing. My days with babies and toddlers were some of my very hardest. It gets better as they get older. In the meantime, one day at a time. Keep looking for that Shalom in midst of hardship, and try not to be too hard on yourself!
Your post is beautifully refreshing. It drew out a tear and a prayer. I remember those days, but I also remember that knowing we all share them doesn't make them any easier. Being a mother is the hardest thing you will ever do but it is so worthwhile. Being a perfect mother isn't possible but God's peace is always possible. Rest in the Lord and He will shine light into the darkness.
Blessings!
Sarah,
Thank you for sharing your very real and human struggles. So many times our pride gets in the way from sharing what's truly on our hearts. I'll pray for you. We outta reschedule our Momaha blogger game night. From what I understand all of us are due a little respite:)
Much love,
Sarah T
Thank you all for your thoughtful comments! Many of them made me cry, laugh out loud and just swelled my heart; your care made me feel better.
And I love you mucho too, mom (aka anonymous!
I'm glad I can be honest on my blog, along with all of the other fun things, we all have rough patches every once in a while.
Best,
Sarah
This post really resonates with me. I'm right there with you – in the Mommy trenches with little ones – and wow is it hard to keep the vision sometimes (most of the time!). I really struggle with letting things go with the kids "for a moment of peace" as you said, then overcompensating with discipline later.. and feeling guilty the whole time!
I do pray for peace for you and your household, because I know in all our failings and soul searching and mistakes and triumphs, God wants us to have His perfect peace. He does not condemn. He does not expect us to be the perfect little housewives. He knows our weaknesses, remembers that we are but dust, even catches our tears in a bottle! Don't let the condemnation of this world settle on your shoulders. Love covers you, and love is what your kids will remember when they think back on these days with Mommy.
(ps – sorry this comment is ridiculously long!)
Sarah,
How is it that you so aptly described my life? I'm so sad that we literally live down the street from one another…but because of the cold and the snow, it feels like we're alone.
This has been a particularly challenging time in my mommyhood station, so I'm thankful to have a kindred spirit along the journey.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. jn 15:27
You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.
Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal. is 26:3-4
The fruit of righteousness will be peace, the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever.
My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest.
is 32:17-18
May the God of peace (shalom), who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. heb 13:20-21
may you drink deeply today from the shalom and promises of a faithful, forgiving God. take care of yourself, too. it will get better!
Thanks so much for your honest and heartfelt post. I have said a couple prayers for you. I have 4 little ones so am in the trenches with you. . . praying for peace for all of us mommas!
Thank you for posting this at a time when I feel lost…I feel exhausted….I feel less than the perfect wife and the perfect mommy. It helped me. I hope it helps you to know that I too am a mom of 2 and am having all the same problems as you are. Except, replace the water leak with a leaky roof. I will pray for you and for peace in your life. Please know that "It won't be like this for long." Thanks for being real.